UNDERSTANDING THE DYNAMIC
LEADING TO CONFLICTS

It all starts with communication

We cannot not communicate. Others cannot not communicate with us. And this happens on several levels, not only through language but through other elements such as:

  • the context: the choice of a meeting place, a place to live, for a professional meeting or a government’s effort to ensure social peace…
  • the verbal and para-verbal communication, such as the tone used, the choice of words, the use of language codes, silences, etc.
  • the non-verbal: body posture, physical distance, clothing…

The three levels of communication

In an exchange, three elements come into play and have an impact on what will follow:

  • the content of what is said or you say
  • the relationship that exists
  • how we perceive the content in the relationship according to who we are (our values, our social skills, our experience…)

Position someone adopts

A relationship is ideally based on equality. Some specific contexts and moments require that you voluntarily adopt a higher or lower position.

For example, a parent is responsible for the physical well-being of his or her child and will ensure that they eat balanced meals (higher position). When showing him or her how to dress alone, he or she makes sure to give him or her the necessary time while congratulating him or her on his or her progress (lower position).

Relational difficulties begin when the higher or lower position is used for inappropriate and unsuitable matters. For example, a woman who mocks her partner because he has overcooked the pasta; a man who sexually forces his partner because he wants to; a professional manager who takes over the work of his employees because they do not want to do it instead of explaining what everyone’s responsibilities are.

The dynamic resulting from it

From the moment one is in contact with another person, a « dynamic » settles in the relationship. A properly functioning dynamic is based on equality, respect for each other’s differences and recognition of how much value every person has.

A problematic dynamic is when there is

  • Submission, i.e. when you are in a lower position without wanting it. For example, when we were unable to act (the other person was much stronger physically) or could not react at the time (shock), or because we did not know (not understanding what was happening) or because implicitly some of our beliefs put us in this situation (an employee must obey his boss, the doctor knows better than us).
  • Escalation of the conflict, i.e. both try to be in a higher position. It happens when each person present thinks they know better or more than the other; when everyone competes to receive the most consideration; when one partner feels wronged in the relationship and ends up trying to get recognition from the other partner or to open his or her eyes to their behaviors and the situation.
  • Competition or rivalry for the lower position: who is most at the service or makes more sacrifices for the other, who undervalues himself or herself more compared to the other.